Through my Eyes

I sigh as my head throbs, my mind still screaming at my brothers to shut up, for my parents to stop fighting, still in a near-crying mood. ‘Just... leave me alone!! Shut up! Go away!!’ my mind wails... ‘Go.. away.. stop talking to me.. yes I heard you, now leave me alone.....!’  My previously cold hands burn. Yet again my heart is in my throat, and I almost choke on it, and swallow. Try to breath. Twelve o’clock.. My alarm on my watch goes off, and I am reminded of how I should be going to sleep right now.. How I should have finished my homework... How my parents have high standards of what my grades should be, now that I’ve proved that I can get straight A’s if I try. But I wish to wait and see if I can make myself feel better by talking to my friend. See if I can extract a little happiness from our words. I look around for my green nail-polish, but remember I left it down stairs. ‘Damn.’ Haku has green nails, and I’m being him for Halloween. Left hand finished, right hand with two done. The silence cradles me in it’s cold but kind arms, and I’m left with only my thoughts and words echoing through the dim halls of my mind. ‘You know.. when you think about it, it only makes you feel more like crying..’ I tell myself ‘you shouldn’t think about how sad your life is, because it’s not..’ my feet twitch nervously, as I try to get a hold of myself. But another part of my mind argues ‘But I have reason to be sad! I have no one, nothing, and I’m so stressed out and have so many problems..’ I’m almost consoling myself now.. My happiness arguing with my sadness.. And I do it so much, and neither side wins. ‘You have so much.. so so much.. you must remember.. I do admit you have a lot to worry about, a lot of things on your mind, stressing you out, but you must remember how fortunate you are..’ God, I sound like my mom when I think that. ‘God, you sound like my mom! But you know, it doesn’t work for me... Even if I think of something worse, my thoughts and sadness swallows me right up..’ and my mind leaves it at that. I twitch more nervously, and I breathe, fighting back both a yawn and tears. But are the tears from sadness, or merely from the held back yawn? Either way, I feel bad. The heat inside my hands reside, and I am left with a dull warmth, and my feet choose to freeze. ‘when my friend gets back, he’s probably going to have to leave..’ I think, wishing it wasn’t true. I feel most sad at night, and I need to find something to be left warm with, so the cold doesn’t swallow me. I glance at the chat, and my heart jolts with surprise to see it green, meaning he might be there. I stare at the chat window, wondering if his icon will pop back, to show he’s talking. I chuckle to myself, thinking of how I’m so excited when he comes back. My feet bounce upon each other, nervous like me.. But I’m not sure why. I type something, wondering if he’s at the computer, just doing something else.

I turn on some music, ‘Be Kind to my Mistakes’, and I can’t help but squirm in my chair, maybe to distract myself from how I’m feeling. I lick my lips, glancing back at the window, then down. I yawn, and run my hands through my hair. ‘What..? The song’s already over?’ I look at iTunes, surprised at how it so quickly changed to a song I’m sick of. I change it to ‘The Sensual World’ I feel like singing with it. “I’m stepping oooooout of the paage.. into the sensual world..” I listen some more. “mmm.. yes.. he said I was a flower of the mountain, yes, but now had power o’er a woman’s body.. mmm.. yes..” Listening, I somehow get the shivers. Just the pretty light and airy voice whispering into my ears just made me get the shivers. I’m not sure why.. He comes back, and I’m relieved. Says he was doing guitar. I think ‘can I see you play it..?’ and I want to ask, but I know it’s rude, so I keep it to myself. Suddenly he switches his status to “brb” so I’m hoping he doesn’t take long.. because I don’t want my day to end with my unhappy mood like this. I step lightly across the room to the window, and the lever until it’s shut. Just standing next to it chills my toes, and a little burst of cold air comes in before I close it completely, chilling me, and making my wish I had some socks on, or slippers. ‘Yeah, slippers.. that’d be nice..’ I walk back to the computer, and sit down. Try to untangle my hair, that dried strangely again, making it feel gelled, clumped. I look at my dad’s music list, turn on “Losing my Religion”. ‘I love the guitar in this one.. and the way he sings it, nice. Almost reminds me of how I feel, if it wasn’t about religion’ “and I don’t know if I can do it... oh no I’ve said too much.. I haven’t said enough. I thought that I heard you laughing, I thought that I heard you sing, I think I thought I saw you try. Every whisper, every waking hour, I’m choosing my confessions. Trying to keep my eye on you, like a hurt lost blind fool, fool....” Completely describes me.. so well... so so well... “what if these fantasies come flailing around..?” It makes my heart jolt hearing the words “I thought that I heard you laughing...” I sigh “ I thought that I heard you sing.. I think I thought I saw you try... but that was just a dream.. but that was just a dream..” ‘Yeah.. yeah... Just a dream..’ I shiver again. When he says “and I don’t know if I can do it” I think of my doubt of myself, and everything.. I don’t know if I can go on, and I don’t know if I can do anything.. Is how I feel sometimes. “oh no I’ve said too much.. I haven’t said enough..” I’m always telling him things.. sometimes I feel it’s too much, telling him this. ‘I know I shouldn’t have said that..’ I always think to myself, but my heart is always filling with these words, that I feel like I haven’t said enough.. that I need to tell more, that I can’t hold it in, though my mind says I shouldn’t burden him with these words. “I thought that I heard you laughing, I thought that I heard you sing, I think I thought I saw you try..” I picture him here with me, I think of how it’d be.. “Every whisper, every waking hour, I’m choosing my confessions” I’m always choosing something to regret. I think about my day, and find something to regret, and then I regret it with all my heart. I don’t want to, but I do.. I do.. “Trying to keep my eye on you, like a hurt blind fool, fool..” I follow him, though I know it gives me next to nothing, but it gives my comfort and happiness.. Because I’m lost, and don’t want to leave, don't’ think I want to ever leave. “what if these fantasies come flailing around?” what if my dreaming devours me? What if I put so much hope into him, that it completely shatters me when he leaves? What if my dreams try to mix with my reality, so I don’t understand what’s going on? “I think I thought I saw you try.. but that was just a dream..” But my imagining him here is just a dream.. that might not ever come true.. So I don’t know where to put my hope. That’s me.. That’s why the song really pulls on the heart strings.

I jump as the timer goes off, I had completely tuned out its ticking, and forgotten to see what it said. I take in some breaths, calming myself. “Everybody Hurts” I turn on next. I remember going to R.E.M.’s concert, and everyone who had a lighter lit it when he sang the song, and some of the people standing slow-danced. It’s a nice song. “The night is yours alone... and you’re sure you’ve had enough... in this life.. hang on.. don’t let yourself gooo... because everybody cries... and everybody hurts.. sometimes..... sometimes everything is wrong... now it’s time to sing along.. hold on.. hold on... feel like letting go... hold on.. If you think you’ve had too much.. of this life... hang on.. ‘cause everybody hurts.... take comfort in your friends.. everybody hurts... don’t throw your hand..... oooh no.. don’t throw your hand..... If you feel like your alone, no, no, no, you’re not alone.... If you’re on your own, in this life. The days and nights are long... and you think you’ve had too much.. of this life.... well hang on.. Cause everybody huuurts.... oh sometimes, everybody cries... everybody huuurts.... sometimes.... everybody hurts.. sometimes.. so hold on.. hold on... hold on.. hold on... hold on.. hold on... hold on... Everybody hurts, you’re not alone.” Kind of a calming song. I now turn on “All the Way to Reno” to cheer me up a little. But I still miss him, and wish he wasn’t gone. ‘Oh, I’m sure he’s gone now.. It’s already 1:10... Damn..’ But the little red bubble still proclaims he’s not there, and I wonder silently whether he fell asleep. ‘..... So much I still wanna say..’ He comes back, again it makes me jump, because my computer says aloud “Michael is now online.” ‘... ... damn.. forgot it did that... ah..’ As I thought, he simply says “g2g” and then “bye” and I say my quick goodbye and he disappears, poof, leaving me to face my sad feelings by myself. ‘Oh well.. ‘ Hurts waiting for him this long just to get a little goodbye... But, I wait just in case it’s something to make me feel better, though it ends up just making me feel worse. I go online to look at manga, to distract myself from the twisted feeling in my stomach. ‘I’ll go to bed soon...’ I’m glum, unhappy still, wishing to share my feelings with someone who’ll listen, but there’s no one here. I stop writing about my life, and I save and quit, hoping tomorrow won’t be as horrifying and terribly stressful as I imagine it will be, but I think that it probably will be. “goodnight..” I whisper.